What I remembered from that meeting was the sentence: “It can’t be. Check again”.
A year ago we joined a cannabis clinical trial. I could not be happier. It was a new injection of optimism and hope, an experience with an external factor, natural and harmless (so they said) that might help him to function better. The first tranche of the trial began with a high expectation (which I could not fight however much I tried) and as high the expectation, so was the disappointment. Nothing changed. He did not eat, his conduct at school was dependent on the level of his anxiety that day, the company of children became intolerable for him many times and he shrank from activities at school and home.
And then the second tranche came. A few days after it started, the motivation to open up to the environment increased, the willingness to experience new things (including foods he never before tried) grew, as did the desire to talk, share, learn and more and more. I felt that the breakthrough for which I yearned for years finally came. The child who I was always convinced was there ‘locked up’ in his own world, started getting free, and this time when I reached out to him, I succeeded in pulling him up to me. The small bottle with the magic drops became the most expensive thing there is and I closely guarded it. I sometimes wondered how we did not manage to put our hands on it before, and if we did, how much would have been saved from him and from us.
When the trial ended, I arrived at the conclusive meeting with the doctor who ran the trial. The data came up on the screen and I was stunned. The big boost forward happened when my child received a placebo. My jaw dropped to the ground. I could no longer comprehend what was said in the meeting. What I could remember was one hint referring to the possibility that something in our behavior might have affected him. I came out of the clinic quite shook up.
Something undoubtedly happened there. My child managed to lift himself up because of something, physical or mental. Something internal and perhaps also external and related to us, the parents, family members and the environment. We may never discover this something, and I was left astounded by his abilities to choose when and in what places to grow, to navigate himself at his own pace in the manner that suits him, and to hold on to us when feels that he can and needs to.
We spent the Passover Holiday in peace and quiet, discovering plenty of new words and sentences, an ever-growing ability to manipulate us to get what he wants, a childish humor and his desire to be with us and manage us. I am still excited by what we’ve been through and understand that I must learn how to show him more how much I believe in him.
